Joe’s Favorite Jokes

Joe’s Favorite Jokes

I enjoy telling jokes.  I have a habit that when I get to the punch line I start laughing because I starting thinking how funny it is. Sometimes I  laugh harder after I tell the punch line.  People often laugh at me more than the joke.  Laughter is contagious.  Jokes are one way of creating belonging—sharing joy together.  “Laughter is the closet thing to the grace of God.”  Karl Barth

1, “Good Luck Mr. Gorsky” 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks. Mostly routine conversation with the other astronauts. Just before he re-entered the lunar lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled and dodged the question. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the twenty-six-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a child, he was playing baseball with a friend in the back yard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

2. Wedding anniversary

Ole and Lena told their friend, Sven, that they had been married for 30 years. Sven asked Ole if he had done anything to celebrate with Lena, and Ole said that sounded like a good idea, so he took Lena to Norway. Five years later Sven suggested that Ole find another way to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Ole said that sounded like a good idea, so he went back to Norway, picked up Lena and brought her home

3. Arab Sheik 

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to everywhere.  A resident of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota was located who had the right blood type whose name was Ole who willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent Ole, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a pile of diamonds & several million U.S. dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Ole who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent Ole a thank you card and five pounds of lutefisk. Ole was shocked that time the Arab did not reciprocate with a new car, diamonds, and money. He phoned the Arab & said: “I thought you would be generous again, and you would give me another BMW, diamonds & money… But you only gave me a thank you card & some lutefisk. To this the Arab replied: “Yes but now I have Norwegian blood in my veins so I have to think twice before I spend.”

4. ”Wonderful tool for reducing stress”

In a Time magazine article on meditation the writer recommended a helpful exercise for stress management which was backed up by the latest psychological literature. What is amazing is that it actually works. Imagine you are near a beautiful mountain stream, hearing the soothing sound of water flowing, birds chirping, you feel warm sunlight with a cool breeze, the stream has crystal clear water which enables you to easily make out the face of the person you are holding under water

5. Golf clubs

Lena, Ole, if I died and you married again would you share my golf clubs with your new wife

Ole: No, she’s left handed.

6.A judge in a divorce court is explaining to Ole and Lena the settlement he arranged for them i(anyone who is a friend of Ole and Lena knows right away that this is a joke because they will never divorce each other)

Judge speaking to Ole: I have decided to give Lena $800 a month for support

Ole: That’s just fine Judge, once in a while I will give her a few bucks myself.

7.Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.” So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step. God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and walks through the gate into heaven. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?” Ole replies, “That is really funny. I just got the first joke!”.

8.Oak Street 

Ole: (Calling 911)  My wife Lena is really really sick, she could die

911: Where do you live?

Ole: We live on Eucalyptus street

911: Could you spell that?
Ole: ….hesitating, pausing….. What if I drag Lena down to Oak street and you pick her up there?

9.Doughnuts

Sven and Ole are walking down the road.  Ole is carrying a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Ole says to Sven, “If you guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”

10. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, “I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I very old friends, and I can prove it.” Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Ole’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Ole says. ”President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts. Ya sure,” Ole says, “I know him.” We’ll fly out to Washington to see him.” Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Ole. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.” The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Ole asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Ole?

11,Losing weight by skipping a day

Lena: Ole you are 78 years old and are overweight. Go to the doctor and see what he says (Ole goes to the doctor)
Doctor: Ole, here is your diet. You will lose 5 pounds if you do this for 2 weeks, eat regularly two days and skip a day (Ole is happy to tell Lena the doctor’s diet to lose 5 pounds; after 2 weeks Ole goes back to the doctor)
Doctor: I am shocked Ole, this is amazing, you lost 60 pounds. Did you follow my instructions?
Ole: I’ll tell you doctor, I thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day.
Doctor: From the hunger?
Ole: No doctor, not the hunger it was from all the skipping

12. Counting Ribs I am warning you this is a groaner. Eve was concerned because Adam would get up in the middle of the night, leave the house for 3 hours and then come back to bed. After he did this 3 nights in a row, while he was sleeping she reached over and counted his ribs

13. Acute appendix.So Ole has serious lower back pain and goes to the ER. He is surprised and also happy to be examined by a woman doctor. She checks out his appendix and tells Ole, “You have acute appendicitis.” Ole, smiling, says to her,

“Doctor, I bet you have a cute one too.”

14. “One Thing I don’t Like about Jesus”  Ole is enjoying his studies at Bible school. His wife Lena tells Ole her strong opinion about drinking wine, very opposed to Christians doing this, big sin. Jesus was against it. Ole is unsuccessful in changing her mind. Then he has a great idea from his Bible School studies,He says to Lena, “How about Jesus, changing all that water into wine.” Lena says, “Ya, that’s one thing I don’t like about Jesus.”

15. Celibate/celebrate Someone died and went to hell and discovered Martin Luther there. He asked Dr. Luther, “What in the world are you doing here?” and Luther answered, “It was works after all.” Another for Catholics: One of the Popes was receiving a tour of heaven and saw St Peter studying a Greek New Testament text crying loudly over and over again “Oh no, Oh no, Oh no!” The pope asks St. Peter what was wrong. St. Peter replies, “The text reads, “celebrate” not “celibate.”

16, Parking car during snow removal

Ole and Lena are listening to the Lake Wobegon morning weather report on the radio predicting 10 inches of snow, and declaring everyone must park on the odd numbered side of the street for snow removal. Ole quickly puts on his snow boots and coat and moves his car. The next day they hear the forecast is for 10 more inches of more snow and everyone must park on the even numbered side of the street. Ole quickly puts on his snow boots and coat and moves his car to the other side of the street. The next day would you believe it doesn’t stop snowing and the blizzard winds knock out the power on the radio just when the announcer is saying, “you must park your cars on the……” Ole asks Lena, “What am I going to do now” Lena replies, “Ole, just leave the car in the garage

17. Revelation 3;20 Genesis 3:10  A pastor rang the door bell of a single woman who had visited his church. He heard sounds inside the home but the woman did not come to the door. After waiting a while he left his calling card after writing Revelation 3:20 on the back of it (for those who have not memorized this verse, Jesus is standing at the door knocking…. saying anyone who hears my voice and opens the door I will come in and have fellowship with her/him). The next Sunday the pastor was shaking hands and this new visitor handed him a card on which she had written Genesis 3:10. Later that day the pastor looked up Genesis 3:10 and read, “I heard your voice in the garden, and I hid, for I was afraid, because I was naked.

18. Swedish introvert/extrovert How do you tell if a Swedish person is an introvert or an extrovert? Answer, A Swedish extrovert looks down at your shoes (not his shoes). When John Ortberg’s wife encouraged him to look people in the eye when he was talking to them he responded “I’m Swedish. Swedes never look anybody in the eye. Not even during eye examinations. That’s why there are no Swedish ophthalmologists.

19. Speed limit not the highway number A cop pulled over Ole, getting older, for driving too slow. Ole asked him what was wrong. He told the office he was going the speed limit, 22 miles an hour. The officer said, “Ole, that is the highway route number.” Just then the officer notices Ole’s wife, Lena, in the passenger seat. Lena’s eyes are bulging and she is as white as snow. He asks Ole, “What is wrong with Lena?” Ole replies, “Oh, she’ll be all right. We just got off Route 88.”

20. This is a joke based on ’René Descartes’ well known philosophy, “Cogito ergo sum.” “I think, therefore I am.” 

A man walked into a bar….
Bartender: What drink are you thinking of having?

Man: I am not thinking of anything right now.
The man disappeared.

21.Tourist outside Carnegie Hall speaking to a policeman: 

Tourist: “How do I get in?”

Policeman: ” Practice

22, Bible riddle jokes especially for grandpas to ask grandkids. 

Where was the Apostle Paul going on the road to Damascus? Damascus

Why did God paint the sunset with his left hand? Jesus was sitting on his right hand,

What was God’s response to Moses when he complained about his painful headache climbing up Mt. Sinai? Moses here are two tablets.

How many of each species (put the emphasis on this part) did Moses take into the ark?  zero; it was Noah not Moses.

23. Ole had grown old and was bed ridden. He realized that he was coming to the end of his life. One day he summoned his wife Lena and asked her to gather all of their money and their valuables and place them in the attic. He explained that when he died his spirit would stop in the attic and collect all of the valuables on his way to heaven. Lena did as Ole asked. Ole died and following the funeral friends and family along with the minister gathered back at the house. Lena remembered the valuables in the attic and asked everyone to check on them with her. When they got up to the attic they found all of the valuables still intact. Lena asked the pastor what he thinks happened. The pastor responded, “Maybe he should have asked you to place everything in the basement.”

24.  Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.” So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step. God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and walks through the gate into heaven. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?” Ole replies, “That is really funny. I just got the first joke!”.

25,  Sven and Ole were talking.

Sven: My wife doesn’t understand me, does yours?

Ole : My wife Lena doesn’t even know you!

26. Name dropping 

I am paying attention to how often I “drop names” and not doing this. I can’t tell you how many times Billy Graham and Mother Teresa have encouraged me to do this.

27  Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.” So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step. God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and walks through the gate into heaven. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?” Ole replies, “That is really funny. I just got the first joke!”.

28,  Sven and Ole were talking.

Sven: My wife doesn’t understand me, does yours?

Ole : My wife Lena doesn’t even know you!

29. I am paying attention to how often I “drop names” and not doing this. I can’t tell you how many times Billy Graham and Mother Teresa have encouraged me to do this.

30. Ole driving too slow 

A highway patrolwoman pulled over Ole for driving too slow.

Ole:  What’s wrong officer?  I was going the speed limit, 22 miles an hour.

Officer: Ole, that is the highway route number.

Just then the officer notices Ole’s wife, Lena, in the passenger seat. Lena’s eyes are bulging and her face is as white as snow.

Officer:  Ole, what is wrong with Lena?

Ole : Oh, she’ll be all right. We just got off Route 88.

 

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About pastorjoejohnson

Heart of the Father Ministry Founder and Director
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